What could have been if I hadn't become a comm major

I’m a proud communication major with an emphasis in journalism, but sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if I had taken the road less traveled, or at least the road traveled by people who actually want to make money in their lifetime.

Just kidding — there are plenty of good jobs left in journalism, provided you’re willing to sell a kidney now and then to supplement your income.

But what would life have been like if I had chosen, say, accounting, as my major?

My dad is an accountant, and a good one, but the apple in my case fell so far from the tree that it landed in Portugal. I was never able to look at vast arrays of numbers and think of anything but gnawing off my leg.

Or what if I had instead majored in English? I’m one of those shallow people who prefer the ticking clock on the TV show 24 to iambic pentameter, and I’m pretty sure Jack Bauer could beat up T. S. Eliot, anyway. No contest.

How about wildlife biology? I love animals, I really do. It’s just I like jerky, steak and Chicken McNuggets more.

Speaking of which, I could have gone into beef production — a time-honored industry with all the direct involvement with meat that I could ask for. Oh, wait a minute — do I really want to know what actually goes into my McNuggets? Small dogs? Maybe Department of the Treasury employees?

Psychology — I think they’ve got their approach all wrong. Why waste time on the human psyche when they could be working on deciphering the female mind? It’s not like we’re trying to marry Freud, for goodness’ sake.

Or university studies? I honestly have no idea what that is. I’m pretty good with context clues, but all I can deduce is that you’re … studying … uh … university … stuff. That’s all I’ve got.

I could have been a business management major, but when I was five, aliens stole my brain and switched it with a future Freddie Mac executive. Man, those aliens messed up.

I doubt I could have been a child development major, despite the significant amount of cute girls in that department (by the way, child development girls, I’m a lot better looking than my picture on this page suggests). However, I’ve heard through the grapevine that applying the use of tranquilizer darts to unruly children is discouraged.

I couldn’t have been a nursing major. What is it about blood and guts that makes me cringe? Oh, it’s the fact that they’re blood and guts, which are wonderful things only when kept secured safely inside of me.

History education — Someone has to teach college history in those huge lecture halls in the Ricks, despite the fact that every student is, in fact, playing Solitaire. It’s just not for me.

I’m not bashing anyone else’s majors. If communication majors ran the world, the economy would be in even worse shape, but at least President Bush could have actually hired a real speechwriter. I’m just wondering what could have been.

However, if I had been something else, you wouldn’t have this blog.

And wouldn’t that have made you sad?