During the final stages of last year's presidential election, I discovered that I had a lot of free time, even after doing dozens of Facebook quizzes with titles like "Are You A Potato?". This realization led to me entering the presidential race via a write-in campaign. Due to popular demand (two people), I've published here my election platform and views I used during the presidential election. I did, in fact, garner a grand total of 1,029 votes for me as president, although, granted, 1000 of them were cast by me, and 23 of the remainder were cast by people too young to actually vote.
Important note: I lost the election. But without further ado:
1. All stupid lawsuits will immediately be done away with. If somebody puts a bug in your salad at a restaurant, for example, you may NOT sue them for tens of thousands of dollars!
2. People on welfare who are unemployed have two weeks to get a job or the welfare checks stop coming.
3. All taxes will be cut in half. To make up for this, all Elvis impersonators, Katy Perry fans, and male cheerleaders will be taxed 10 times as much.
4. Donald Trump will fund the healthcare system.
5. All telemarketers must first serve a one year tour of duty in Iraq before being allowed to telemarket.
6. In order to boost the economy, we will immediately annex Japan, since they produce pretty much all of our cars, electronics, sushi, etc.
7. Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, and other attention-hogging celebrities will be forced to live in one-room cabins with no power in northern Alaska on an all-Spam diet.
8. The first person to send me a cash contribution will be made Secretary of State. After that everyone who sends me contributions will be put on the Supreme Court.
9. America is going green! We are going to find new and innovative ways to get energy. To demonstrate this, Air Force One will be powered by the latent energy of a single baked potato. Also, the White House will be airlifted directly into Rigby, Idaho. Specifically, we are going to put the White House on the island in Rigby Lake.