Tuesday, August 4, 2009

A confession involving Hannah Montana [Connor]

I’m not proud of it. But I will never live with a clear conscience while carrying this secret: I’ve been listening to Hannah Montana music a lot lately. Not just Hannah, either; Selena Gomez, the Jonas Brothers, Demi Lovato, you name it.

Before you accuse me of being of those creepy teenagers who actually buy Jonas Brothers albums in defiance of the law of reality which clearly states that the Jonas Brothers are the territory of nine-year-old girls, I’ll point out that it’s a work-related sacrifice. At the amusement park where I work, we rely on satellite radio for music, and the most “family-friendly” station available is Radio Disney. Consequently, all of the employees are extremely familiar with all Disney songs, a situation leading to embarrassing situations wherein an entire line of customers waiting at an attraction witness an employee belting out the lyrics to “He Could Be The One” by Hannah Montana.

The point is, four months of listening to Radio Disney have left me uncomfortably familiar with certain singers and their music. People like Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus (of COURSE they’re different people! Hannah Montana is just as real as Santa Claus!), and the rest of them, including, most unfortunately, the Jonas Brothers (No, I don’t have anything against them, except that they dress in clothes four sizes too small and their excessively juvenile music is at a level of maturity usually associated with mooning). I also know a lot of random facts about them; I could tell you, for instance, that Selena Gomez (star of the Disney TV series Wizards of Waverly Place) was born on my own mother’s birthday. I could also tell you that Miley Cyrus secretly wishes to own a house where everybody can write on the walls with crayons.*

There are worse things I could listen to. Most songs these days are total crap (wait, or do they call it rap? I can never remember). Many of them (“Boom Boom Pow” and “Poker Face” spring readily to mind) sound as though the synthesizer machine has gone rogue and is attempting to devour the lead singer. Actually, I have a pet theory about “Poker Face”: I think Lady Gaga had a decent song recorded, but the day before deadline, her five-year-old son got into the studio and messed with the song. They didn’t have time to fix his changes, so they just sold the song that way and were shocked when it climbed to the top ten song list. This accident probably inspired the making of “Boom Boom Pow”, come to think of it. Some of the songs these days are so bizarre it’s no wonder some of us are pushed to listening to Hannah Montana.

Don’t worry; I do listen to other music too besides Hannah Montana. It’s really the best of both worlds.**

*I’m serious.
**If you had to ask your nine-year-old sister about that reference, good for you.

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